As close as our skin

We tend to hold our insecurities as close as our skin.

Most people don’t have an open door policy when it comes to their fears, insecurities, and the lies they tell themselves (I don’t know about you, but I have a good track record of putting myself down). 

We can be pretty convincing can’t we? Our lists of “I am’s” are lengthy and oftentimes inaccurate: 

I am unorganized

I am not creative

I am boring

I am fat

I am not beautiful

I am too much

I am not like the other moms (dads, grandmas, aunts, etc.)

I am a failure

I am incapable 

I am unintelligent

I am not interesting enough

I am not attractive enough

I am ________

I am ________

 Sadly, most of us would be able to fill in those blanks without even thinking.

When someone rejects us, it seems to reinforce our deep insecurities. We internalize the rejection and assign our own self-deprecating thoughts to that person. For example, even if my friend has never said that I’m too much or not creative enough, it’s easy for me to assign that reason to why she rejected me because it’s what I believe about myself. Overtime, negative beliefs about ourselves become significant parts of our identity and we slowly lose connection with the positive ones. If we base our identities on the things in our lives that we do (circumstances, jobs, etc.) instead of deep down on who we truly are, it’s easy for those things to shift and leave us shaky.

Have you ever thought about how many of us base our identities on our circumstances? 

My job is going well = I am professional, intelligent, organized

My kids are doing well in school/extracurriculars = I am an amazing parent, I am a great teacher/leader, I am loving, etc.

My marriage is going well = I am beautiful, I am worthy of being loved, I am interesting, etc.

Our home is amazing = I am creative, I am making a name for myself, I am popular, I am successful. 

But what do we say about ourselves when those circumstances change? 

My job isn’t going well = I am a failure, I am dumb, I am a mess 

My kids are not doing well in school/extracurriculars = I’m a terrible parent, I’m failing them, I am not helpful enough, etc. 

My marriage isn’t going well = I am unlovable, I am unattractive, I am not interesting enough, etc. 

Our home is just an absolute mess = I am boring, I’m not creative, I am not a good host, I am a failure, etc.

There have been times in my life when hiding feels a lot safer than connection. I’m keenly aware of that fact that connection can lead to rejection, which can lead to being exposed, and in turn leave me even more aware of my insecurities. As a result, instead of deepening friendships, security has been my mode of operation for many years. And let me tell you, it’s exhausting to constantly control and protect our identities.

What would happen if we didn’t base our identities on what we do or what we’ve thought about ourselves for the vast majority of our lives, and instead, get to know ourselves for who we actually are at the core?

Maybe we would respond to ourselves with grace when we face rejection instead of criticism. 

Maybe we would enjoy who we are and open ourselves to others more frequently. 

Maybe when life shifts and changes, we are able to hold onto who we are and show ourselves compassion as we navigate a new season.

When we don’t fear what rejection does to us, we live more boldly and freely. 

And when we start the practice of speaking to ourselves with kindness and care, we’re much more prepared to respond to seasons of chaos or moments of rejection.

I hope you know that you are wildly capable and beautifully designed. Maybe it’s time to begin the process of believing that for yourself.