Work to be done.

November 23, 2021

One maliciously crafted rejection with my exact vulnerabilities in mind will pierce the deepest parts of me. Being mature in my faith or having the best of coping skills can help me better process it. It can help me have a better reaction to it. It can even help me remove the arrow and patch up the wound. But it won't shield me from feeling and experiencing the rejection. Today's rejections, big or subtle, are like stealth bombs that zing straight to my core, locating hurts from my past and making them agonizingly present all over again. They send messages that scramble up all of my carefully established formulas for keeping life stable. The voices of doubt and insecurity whisper, "see I've been telling you for years what an utter disappointment you are". *

So I realize that there is still work to be done.

Rejection is an overwhelming experience, especially because it typically highlights the most vulnerable pieces of our story.

You may have been hurt by a person or group of people you trusted and it's led to you thinking that it happened because you're not worth it and/or it has made you more hesitant to trust.

You may have broken relationships with parents, friends, or other family members, and you've convinced yourself that it's because you aren't good at connecting with people or you're too fat or unattractive to be loved, or you simply aren't good enough.

You may have a history of trauma.

You may have struggles with mental health.

You may feel stuck in your career or unsure about the path you're currently taking.

You may hate the feeling of extra skin around your waist or thighs and avoid looking at your body in a mirror.

And when you experience a rejection, it often amplifies the trauma, the deepest struggles, the feelings of inadequacy, and all of the other raw pieces that you don't want anyone to see.

And we react. We close ourselves off, shut down, retreat, attack, or freeze.

And we become versions of ourselves that are controlled and worn down by the narrative behind the rejection.

The work to be done isn't a simple 30-day plan. Trust me friend, it is going to take a lot longer than that.

Who we are - who we believe ourselves to be - is where the work takes place. The reason I feel incredibly scattered after experiencing a rejection, is because I'm unable to separate what someone does or says from how I feel about myself. I have a weakened ability to stand in front of a rejection and still hold onto the truths about who I am.

If my husband wants to reschedule our romantic evening, I could easily give into the thought that I'm not attractive enough to him.

If a close friend forgets to wish me luck on an important presentation, I could easily give into the thought that I'm not worth being cared about, or that no one values me.

Rejection often breeds assumptions in our minds.

The mind feasts on what it focuses on. What consumes my thinking will be the making or the breaking of my identity *

I don't have all of the answers, but I do know that it starts with us, and only us.
It starts by familiarizing ourselves with all of the intricacies that make us so lovely, interesting, and unique.
It starts by becoming friends with yourself and interacting as you would with a good friend (i.e., friends don't tear their friends down, they encourage, they support, they are accountable, they are life giving).
It starts by recognizing that houses fall if the foundations are decayed or broken - identify those areas within your identity that feel so fragile, so broken, so decayed. Sit with them, get help for them, and work on them.

The mind feasts on what it focuses on.
I've been working on some of the questions below, and when it comes to this long and hard process, this is where I needed to start.

What rejection, hurt, or insecurity, have you been focusing on? How is that serving you?

What comment, reaction, or situation makes you feel an overwhelming sense of rejection? Why is that? What does that rejection say about who you are or who you believe yourself to be?

I have a weakened ability to stand in front of a rejection and still hold onto the truths about who I am.
So I'm working on it.

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